DESSERT - "Black rice tapioca dessert with ice cream!"

Ingredients:

3 Scoops - Vanilla ice cream

1 Can - Salmon or other large fish roe

Directions:

Empty fish roe into bowl. Top with scoops of vanilla ice cream and serve. The sweet and salty combination of the roe and the ice cream will positively delight your guests and take their palette on a culinary excursion through both stormy, roaring seas and quaint family-owned dairy farms.

DESSERT - Ice cream with chocolate syrup

Ingredients:

2 Scoops - Vanilla ice cream

1 Tbsp - Chocolate syrup

Directions:

Put some chocolate syrup on some fucking ice cream. Bellissimo.

ENTREE - "Roast beef, potatoes, carrots, yams in a red wine sauce & garlic herb mashed potatoes"

Ingredients:

1- 8oz chuck steak

1 cup - Garlic herb instant mashed potato mix

1- Carrot

1- Yam

1 Glass - "South African" red wine

Directions:

Mix garlic herb instant mashed potatoes as directed until soupy and pour onto serving plate. Remember, this meal will be over 70% potato. Next cut yams and carrots into bite-size pieces and use as garnish. Grill steak until it is completely dehydrated and a dark grey color. Serve directly on carpeted floor in a smoky, damp studio apartment, alone, the grim scene lit only by the flash of your smartphone; a glass of rare South African red wine and Instagram's "hudson" filter your only remaining companions.

APPETIZER - Vegetables with dip(s)

Ingredients:

1 bag - Shaved carrots

1 - Cucumber

1 Tub - Hummus

1 Tbsp - Ranch or other "white-with-flecks" sauce

Directions:

Leave carrots exposed to the elements for 2-3 days so they get fuzzy and dry. This step is crucial. Next, slice cucumbers into polygonal shapes. DO NOT cut into regular circles. This is for aerodynamics. Serve with hummus and ranch.

BREAKFAST - "Healthy breakfast"

Ingredients:

1 - Box of fibrous cereal

1 - Mandarin orange, peeled

Milk

Directions:

Pour yourself some cereal. Then put Mandarins in it. weird. 

ENTREE - "Gourmet-ass meal"

Ingredients: 

1 cut - Gourmet-ass meat

1 bag - Gourmet-ass shaved carrots

1 bag - Gourmet-ass string beans

1 - Gourmet-ass sliced onion

1- Gourmet-ass clove of garlic, minced

Directions:

Oh shit. You know "normal" meals? throw that shit to the curb. Today we're whipping up a "Gourmet-ass" meal. Basically, take your gourmet-ass meat and grill it up, master-chef style. Then take your gourmet-ass vegetables and steam them with the gourmet-ass onions and garlic. Finally, place the meal on a real fancy plate, like the kind with vines and little flowers on them, so it looks like a gourmet-ass meal should. Serve it up on a dope marble countertop like you live in a mansion or some shit. damn.

ENTREE - "Hamburguesa"

Ingredients:

1 Package - Ground beef

1 Bag - Sesame hamburger buns

Directions:

Separate beef into patties, fairly thick. Grill patties for, maybe, ten seconds on either side it looks like. Drop the patties on the ground accidentally and then grab them really fast before anyone notices, put on buns and serve without condiments. If anyone asks about the specks just play it off all like "Oh, it's an artisanal ground peppercorn mixture" or something. Voila.